Don't click the spoiler button unless you want to be spoiled, both about this movie and about me as a person. If you're game for that, then buckle up. This here's gonna be a long and rough road to ride. Frozen (2013) I'm going to jump right in assuming that you've heard of the basic outline of this movie, and it's statistically likely that you've seen it, so I'm going to assume that too. I'm going to go on to ask you a question: Are you sick of hearing about it yet? A lot of people are. Hell, a lot of people were sick of Frozen by the time I first saw it in February of 2014, and the fervor for it by its rabid fan base hasn't faded all that much. I went to an anime convention last August and saw at least three Elsas, two Annas, and one of the Annas even had a Hans with her. This was at an anime convention, with the word anime in its fucking name (if you're curious, it was Anime Weekend Atlanta). One of the people working at the con even said to me: "I'm so sick of Frozen." He then went on to say he hadn't even seen it yet, and that the voracious and obsessive fans had actually dissuaded him. I've heard that sentiment echoed a lot since I saw it three months after its release, even though I managed to escape most of the hype until after my inaugural viewing. So, hype aside, what is Frozen, exactly? Well, it styles itself as the pinnacle Disney Princess movie, with two (count 'em, two) princesses who serve as the focal point of 100 percent of the story rather than the damsels in distress which, if I'm going to be honest, I haven't seen out of a Disney movie in a while. Disney has actually been pretty okay on average with its ladies since the nineties, beginning with the still-peerless Beauty and the Beast and continuing on to things like Aladdin, Mulan, and the more recent Tangled and Brave. Brave is actually a particular point of comparison; both the movie itself and its plucky protagonist are outright rejections of the heteronormative "princess" construct, and by comparison, the ditzy Anna and morose Elsa, with their big eyes, trembling voices, and waspy waists, seem like a step backward. For the unfamiliar, a brief outline: In the vaguely Nordic kingdom of Arendelle, the royal family bears two daughters. One of these two, Elsa (voice of Idina Menzel), is inexplicably gifted (or cursed) since birth with cryokinetic powers that ostensibly correspond with her emotions. After accidentally injuring her sister, the extremely sheltered Anna (Kristen Bell), Elsa is taken by her parents to a group of trolls who (in addition to being ceaselessly obnoxious) alter Anna's memory in order to prevent Elsa's mystical faux pas, which struck Anna in the head, to harm her further. With Anna stripped of her memories of Elsa's abilities, Elsa is confined to her room for the remainder of her childhood, creating a massive rift between the two sisters that only worsens when their parents die (it's a Disney movie; what did you expect?) and, at the following coronation, Elsa reacts rather explosively to Anna's betrothal to the dashing Prince Hans of the Southern Isles (voice of Santino Fontana) and flees the kingdom, spreading panic-induced magic ice everywhere (and I mean everywhere) as she goes. This, apparently, is just the last straw for Elsa, who's spent her entire life living in fear of her own abilities and shutting herself off from the rest of the world. Declaring utter independence (this is when that fucking song happens), Elsa constructs herself a giant ice palace and resolves to live there forever, tactfully avoiding the question of what in holy hell she plans on eating. However, Elsa doesn't seem to be aware of the eternal winter to which she has damned Arendelle, and Anna enlists the aid of a disgrunted ice salesman (voice of Jonathan Groff), a talking snowman (voice of Josh Gad), and a peculiar reindeer to confront/comfort Elsa and restore peace to the land. Disney is known for making visually spectactular and technically astonishing animated movies. Frozen is neither. It's animated competently at best, with extremely safe aesthetic choices, unimpressive effects, and at least one by-now-infamous animation oversight wherein Elsa's hair passes directly through her body at the climax of the movie's biggest musical number. It's also paced pretty badly and, about two-thirds of the way in, forgets that it's even a musical at all. The last song in the movie is easily its worst, with the aforementioned annoying rock trolls trying to stage a musical hookup as a pivotal character falls deathly ill. It doesn't so much stop and start as it does putter along like an old jalopy, moving the plot forward substantially before coming to a screeching halt for an unenthusiastic song or cute comical aside with admittedly charming characters who show up once, then never again. All the characters, additionally, look almost exactly the damn same in terms of body type, with Kristoff and Hans varying a little in terms of the width of their shoulders. Elsa and Anna in particular look like dolls and were probably designed as such in order to bolster those toy sales; both of them have horrifically thin bodies with waists I could get my index and thumb around, heads too big for their necks (which resemble stacks of dimes), and gargantuan Powerpuff Girls eyes that deliver emotion via facial expressions with all the subtlety of being licked across the face by a reindeer who thinks he's a dog. Not only that, the movie is... ...it's... ...okay, you know what? Fuck this. Spoiler tags activate. Let's get personal.